


The Old C Word

by wimblydonner



Category: Arrested Development
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Awkward Flirting, F/F, Prison, Rival Relationship, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 09:05:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12295926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wimblydonner/pseuds/wimblydonner
Summary: After a mix-up involving the conjugal trailer, the Lucilles attempt to seduce each other.





	The Old C Word

**Author's Note:**

  * For [track_04](https://archiveofourown.org/users/track_04/gifts).



Lucille Bluth was trying to get out of prison.

She wasn't optimistic it could be done, because all of her family had abandoned her in her hour of need and failed to show up for her arraignment, but Lucille was never the type to take "wasn't optimistic it could be done" for an answer. After all, even when the enemy had their knives one, she had at least one friend she could count on. In fact, said enemy and friend were one and the same person: Lucille Austero. 

Lucille 1 arranged for Lucille 2 to meet her at the prison in hopes that, if she made the right offer, Lucille 2 might be able to pull some strings and get her released, or at least smuggle in some vodka. She was most certainly too proud to beg, but she did have a few other cards up her sleeve to offer, including—although she hated to part with it—the coveted numeral "1". 

She rolled her eyes when she saw they'd given her the conjugal trailer. This day had already managed to disappoint her, and it was too early to start drinking. Well, actually, it was never too early to start drinking, but she didn't have any booze in this place. Instead, she just entered the conjugal trailer and put on her best negotiating game face—which looked a lot like her not-enough-Cloudmir face. 

Lucille Austero, meanwhile, arrived at the prison and immediately took the presence of the conjugal trailer as a sign that Lucille 1 had finally decided she wanted to consummate their extremely complicated relationship. "How _delightful_!" she cried as she twirled into the trailer. "Lucille, you have just stolen my heart away! Of course, the accommodations could be nicer, but I understand we don't all live in the free world." 

"I'm just glad the old thing is still beating," Lucile 1 said. "Oh! I made a joke!" 

"Well, let's get to it, shall we?" Lucille 2 declared, whipping her shirt off. 

Lucille 1, even more suspicious than usual, narrowed her eyes to the tiniest of slits to block out all of the world's shenanigans. "What are you doing? Do you have a skin condition? Put your shirt back on; you look like one of my son's 'Hot Cop' friends." 

" _Oh_!" Lucille 2 became aware that she might have misread the situation. She decided to cover for herself in the most logical, sensible way: accusing Lucille 1 of being the one who misread the situation. "Don't tell me you thought I was coming here to seduce you. Silly old dear." 

This was, in fact, a recurring situation for the two Lucilles, whose nascent attraction to one another had been repeatedly cut short by each's insistence that they not undermine their social standing and appear too needy by making the first move. Like when Lucille 2 had tried to front Lucille 1 the money to bid on her at the charity bachelorette audience but they'd somehow ended up in a bidding war with each other. Or when they'd hosted a series of increasingly extravagant _Orange is the New Black_ viewing parties because each insisted the other loved "lesbians from the Netflick shows." Or the time they'd ended up at the _Amazon Asshole_ —Newport Beach's hottest lesbian BDSM club—but then spent the whole night arguing about whose misunderstanding had led them there. 

Lucille 1 leaned back in her chair, smugly grateful that Lucille 2's bizarre behavior gave her the upper hand in negotiations. "Why would you think that I thought you were coming here to _seduce_ me? Is there something you need to tell me?" 

"Why would _you_ think that _I_ thought that you thought I was coming here to seduce you?" 

The two women stared each other down, each now convinced that the other had come to this rendezvous with the intent of revealing her feelings for the other. This was a difficult situation for the two Lucilles, whose long-standing rivalry meant that both felt compelled to one-up the other in every circumstance possible, whether in the Balboa Island T.B.A Association or in the bedroom. 

And so, at the same time, each Lucille, fully believing that she was making a move on a lovestruck courter, leaned forward and kissed the other. 

It was awkward at first—but not George Michael awkward—but quickly heated up because Lucilles wanted to impress the other. Lucille 2 planted a kiss on Lucille 1's top lip, then her bottom lip. Lucille 1's hand found Lucille 2's thigh, and her fingers dug tight into it, exploring, seeking a firm hold even as her long-unacknowledged fantasies took hold of her mind. Lucille 2's fingertips skimmed Lucille 1's cheek as their tongues touched, then tangoed, then dueled; each woman momentarily took command, kissing harder and pressing her tongue into the other's mouth, before the other made her play. The room grew as hot as a Cornballer. 

"Oh, Lucille," Lucille 2 gasped. "You ... make my head ... spin." 

She toppled to the floor. 

"I'm sorry!" she gasped, kicking her feet and trying to struggle onto her back. "I should have warned you that if you want to be with me, you'll have to deal with our nausea." 

Lucille 1 scowled. "It's still _your_ nausea." 

This rejection stung Lucille 2, who decided to up her seduction game. Still on the floor, she attempts to woozily wriggle out of her pants, clumsily kicking her legs int the air until she'd fully divested herself of the garment. (If she'd known it was a special occasion, she would have invested in some stripper pants.) 

"Are you sure?" Lucille 2 taunted, waving her hand over what in her vertigo she believed to be her inner thigh but which was actually her elbow. "You don't want to ... _go downtown_?" 

Lucille 1 snorted. "I hope you haven't gotten so desperate that you've changed your opinion of my skills in the boudoir. I heard you agreeing with Buster that I get off on being withholding." She leaned back in her chair, slipped a hand in her pants, and began stroking herself. "Look at me," Lucille 1 declared smugly, " _getting off_." 

The two Lucilles watched each other finger themselves, both believing that they were putting on a sexy show for the other. Of course, for both Lucille Bluth and Lucille Austero, there was no greater fantasy than showing up the other, so it was hard not to get into it, to feel sexy and powerful about ostensibly driving the other Lucille mad with desire. Both Lucilles felt their bodies begin to descend into genuine pleasure and satisfaction, enveloping themselves in the warm of their bodies and murmuring happily as they basked in their moment of purported triumph. In the end, it was perhaps the most authentic and satisfying lovemaking experience either had ever experienced. 

At least until Lucille 1—mistaking Lucille 2's vertigo-induced fluttering eyelids for a "winking eye" suggestion of sex—got down on the floor and tried to take off Lucille 2's bra. 

Lucille 2 jerked away. "Watch your hands, my dear! They told me when I came in that the warden maintains a strict 'no touching' policy." 

And that's when Lucille realized why she had been given the conjugal trailer. 

"It's that warden!" she cried, her face immediately changing to a mixture of disgust and condescension. "He put me in the conjugal trailer on purpose! That old fox has been carrying a torch for me for years; he was probably _hoping_ we'd hook up to fulfill his own sick fantasies. I should have known when he was flogging his screenplay for _This Ain't Gangie II: An XXX Parody_. I wouldn't be surprised to discover he's one of those perverts who writes their sexual fantasies on the Internet." 

Lucille had gone too far, and she had best watch her mouth. 

"You mean ... you didn't request the conjugal trailer for me?" Lucille 2 propped herself up on the floor. "Then why is your hand on my thigh?" 

The new leap forward in the Lucilles' relationships would have been threatened by this new revelation, were it not for the fact that a new mission immediately occurred to both of them: Getting revenge on Warden Gentiles. 

Lucille 1 retrieved her rape horn and it slammed down on the table. "They gave me one of these when I came in here in case the Jade Dragon Triad tried to have a Holy Quadrinity with me. I think it's time I used it." 

"Wonderful! And once you've deafened him, I'll sneak up and hit him with the Sword of Destiny." It was a memento from her time dating G.O.B. 

"First we'll blow him, then we'll poke him." 

With frenemies like this, who needed friends or enemies?


End file.
